Recurring
by Terra3
Summary: As part of Mithril's routine psychological evaluation, Sousuke has to detail any recurring dreams he's been having since he has started using the Arbalest. But his recurring dreams are more like nightmares.


Disclaimer: _Full Metal Panic!_ is the property of Shouji Gatou and related parties. This is a non-profit fanwork.

Authors Notes: This was written based on knowledge from the first three novels, although some elements were inspired by some stumbled-upon spoilers about later events depicted in the anime version. This psychological evaluation would probably never be used by a practicing psychologist but my two excuses are that Mithril is not a typical organization and Black Technology is weird; both of these lead to weirdly designed examinations. This was written in response to kneazles' "nightmare" request on the fic_on_demand livejournal community.

Recurring

By Terra3

ANNUAL MANDATORY PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION

FOR MITHRIL EMPLOYEES

NAME: Sagara, Sousuke

RANK: Sergeant

Thank you for taking the time to complete this psychological evaluation. Feel free to take as much time as you need in order to complete this evaluation. If you need a break or wish to continue a section another day, please inform the medical officer administering your evaluation. If you do not understand a question, please ask the medical officer for clarification.

It is imperative that you realize that this evaluation should be taken **seriously** and all responses should be thorough and **honest**. Just as it is irresponsible to not mention a minor malfunction in an Arm Slave, it is equally irresponsible to not disclose some psychological issue that you are currently dealing with. This evaluation is designed to undercover such issues before they become harmful to both you and others around you. There is no shame to admitting to a problem. There will be no professional consequences if this evaluation reveals an element of psychological distress, although treatment and/or therapy may be required. Results of this evaluation will be released on a need-to-know basis.

[Part A of the psychological evaluation is omitted]

PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION OF THOSE INVOLVED IN VEHICLES

USING A LAMBDA DRIVER

According to Mithril records, you have worked on and/or operated an Arm Slave that uses a Lambda Driver. Because this technology is so new, we would like to gather more information about the psychological state of those who have worked on/operated this piece of technology.

1. Think of your dreaming patterns before you worked with the Lambda Driver. Since working with the Lambda Driver, have your dreaming patterns changed in a noticeable way? If yes, please explain in what way. If no, explain your typical dreaming pattern.

Yes. I used to not dream very much but now I dream about twice a week.

2. Do you remember your dreams? If no, your evaluation is over. If yes, please continue to the next question.

Yes.

3. Do you have dreams with recurring themes or recurring dreams? A recurring theme would be when the basic plot of your dreams vary but some element is seen throughout. For example, you may dream of being a sailor, baking a cake, and climbing Mount Everest but in each dream, your first love shows up. A recurring dream would be having the nearly the exact same dream repeatedly. For example, every night, you dream of climbing Mount Everest. If no, your evaluation is over. If yes, explain which you have, whether this is a change from your dreaming patterns from before encountering the Lambda Driver, and continue to the next question.

Yes, I have recurring dreams. I have only started having them since I first used the Arbalest.

4. Please describe your dreams with recurring themes or recurring dreams. Please be as detailed as you can and note where your recollection of the dreams is hazy. Note where elements vary from dream to dream. Do not hesitate to mention classified information where relevant as the psychologist evaluating this section has top security clearance.

I have been having two recurring dreams ever since I've started operating the Arbalest.

In one dream, I am standing alone on a beach. The beach is flat and the terrain is featureless. The sky and the sea to my right are grey. The air is completely still. I know that I should be cold but for some reason, I am not cold but I am not warm either. I don't know where this beach is or even how I got there.

I walk forward, my feet barely sinking into the sand. The beach seems to stretch on forever in this empty landscape when suddenly I notice a crashed jet liner at my ten o'clock. The jet liner looks like it crashed nose first because the frame is crumpled. There are fires engulfing the entire frame and there is debris scattered around it. Directly ahead of me, sitting on the ground, is a small Asian boy, about two or three years old. Considering the condition of the jet liner, he is relatively unharmed but he is crying loudly, his tears drawing tracts through his dirt-covered face. I approach him, calling out to him in every language I know, trying to ascertain how the jet liner crashed and how he survived. But he won't answer my questions, he just keeps crying. I try to lift the child, to get him farther away from the jet, but no matter how much I pull at him, he won't budge. I am physically unable to lift the boy's buttocks off the ground, much less pick him up completely.

As I am attempting to lift him and interrogate him about the situation, the boy keeps crying out in English, in Japanese, in Arabic, in Dari, in Russian (it changes every time I have this dream) only one phrase: I want Mommy.

Eventually, I give up on trying to lift the boy and go to examine the burning jet. Although there are gasoline fires all around me, I don't feel the heat and my clothes and hair don't catch on fire, no matter how close I get. After a few moments, I notice a woman's hand and wrist peeking out from a piece of debris that should easily weigh 1000 kilos that is melting from the fires all around it. I realize that this woman might be still alive and she might be the boy's mother so it is imperative that I rescue her.

I pick my way through the burning debris. The fire does not touch me. The smoke does not choke me. It is like I am a ghost floating through the wreckage to reach this tiny hand. When I reach her, I lift up the piece of debris as easily as I would a piece of cold Styrofoam. The fire touches my fingers but I feel no pain and see no burns. I throw the large piece of debris aside so I can see the entire body of the woman underneath.

It is then that I see that it is Chidori. She is dead. Then I wake up.

In another dream, I am walking into Mithril Headquarters. Its not really HQ though but, in the dream, I believe that it is. The place is in chaos and everyone is running around. Finally, Sergeant Weber runs up to me. He looks disheveled but not in a casual way like he just rolled out of bed, which is a look he tends to favor. No, he looks like he's been out on an exhausting assignment.

He comes up to me and says, "About time you showed up."

I apologize for my lateness and then ask why I was called here. For some reason, I always seem to know that I was called into HQ even though that makes no sense. Anyway, Sergeant Weber explains that I've been called in to handle the "prisoner".

"He's completely insane. One minute, he's calm and quiet and the next, pow! He suddenly starts throwing shit around and punching people," Weber tells me as we walk through the crowd. I notice the HQ has taken some damage. The extent of the damage varies from dream to dream. In some dreams, there are just some ripped papers and overturned waste paper baskets. In other dreams, sections of the walls are missing and there're blood splatters throughout the hallway.

Eventually, Sergeant Major Mao comes up to us, as distressed as Sergeant Weber. Sergeant Major Mao is always injured in some way. In some dreams, she might just have a bleeding cut on her head while in others, she is missing a limb. It varies. Now that I think about it, if HQ is heavily damaged, Sergeant Major Mao has a more grievous injury than if HQ is not as damaged.

Sergeant Weber asks her, "Did you catch him?"

She indicates her injury and replies, "And got this for my trouble. I finally got him to calm down enough to stop destroying the place but then, as I was walking him to confinement, he just went fucking nuts on me! We finally got him in there, though." She turns to me and adds, "No thanks to you, Sergeant! Where the fuck were you?! Do you see this place? He did that while you were moseying your way over here! We called you a fucking hour ago!"

I again apologize for my lateness but Sergeant Major Mao brushes me off. "Whatever. He's your problem now, not mine."

The two of them continue to walk me through HQ until we encounter Captain Testarossa. She looks extremely tired and disheveled, probably more disheveled than Sergeant Weber does. She asks Sergeant Major Mao about the prisoner and she informs her of how he is now in confinement.

The Captain turns to me and says, "At least you're finally here, Sergeant. We really needed you here an hour ago, though. Where were you?"

Before I can apologize again for being late, someone barks out, "How nice of you to finally show up!" It's Chidori and, from her attire, she is a captain as well. Unlike the others, she shows no sign of fatigue or distress, besides the unconcealed look of fury on her face. She is holding a clipboard and taps it with a pen impatiently. She goes on, sarcastically, "Because, you know, when we call you and tell you we need your help right now, it's totally cool for you to just take your dear sweet time! You're lucky we're not all dead!" All I can do is sputter at her until she turns toward the way we were already heading and barks, "Sagara, follow me. The rest of you? Clean up!"

"Yes, ma'am," they reply obediently as I race to catch up to Chidori who is already on her way.

As we walk, Chidori reads whatever is on her clipboard and continues, "This is just so typical of you, Sagara. We ask you to do one little thing and you just can't do it, can you? It's getting exhausting cleaning up after you." I tell her that I'm sorry and that I'll try to do better but she just rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "You're always sorry. You're always so goddamn sorry. Well, sorry isn't always going to cut it with me, okay? I'm getting sick of it." As she talks like this, she is constantly writing on the clipboard. I want to know what she's writing but I can't make out the words. But, I know it's about me and she's evaluating me somehow. And judging from how she's acting, I'm not being evaluated very highly.

Eventually she sighs and says, "Look, this operation is really important. It's all on you now, okay? You're the only one who has a chance at controlling the prisoner. So, if you screw this up, we're all going down, got it?"

"Understood."

She stops and looks at me firmly. "I want to see some long lasting results this time. I'm getting tired of having to monitor him 24 hours a day because if we don't, he goes on a rampage. You understand?"

"Understood."

"I will not tolerate failure this time, Sagara. If you mess this up, I will be very disappointed in you. Got that?"

"Understood."

She indicates a single door at the end of the hallway and orders me to go in. She smiles. "Don't let me down, Sousuke." And she walks away as I open the door.

The room looks more like an interrogation chamber than a confinement room. There is a mirror, which I know is a one-way mirror, along the left wall and there is only two metal chairs and a table that is bolted to the floor. The door closes and automatically locks behind me. Sitting in the chair that is furthest away is a young boy. He looks Asian but his hair is long and tangled. He can't be older than ten years old. He is looking down at his lap and does not look up when I announce my presence to him. The dreams tend to vary in what language I use to talk to him but in the dream, I always know which language will work.

Eventually, I sit in the other chair and it isn't until I say, "You shouldn't throw tantrums like that," that the boy looks up and hisses, "And what are you going to do to me if I do?"

"I'll punish you."

The boy laughs. "How? I'm much stronger than you."

"No, you're not. I'm the adult here, you are an unruly child! You will obey me!"

"No, I won't! I'll never obey you! Go away!"

"I am not going away! You are going to obey my orders and not cause trouble for Chidori or Mao or the Captain or Weber or anyone else!"

"No! I hate you! You're nothing! You're just a big faker! You can't even touch me!" He gets off his chair, picks it up, and throws it at me. Luckily, I duck in time but before I can order him to calm down, he pulls up the bolted table and swings it at me. I leap out of my chair this time and roll on the floor as he attempts to slice me in half with the sharp edges of the table.

Finally, I scramble to my feet and say, "Look, stop this! Just calm down!"

"No! No! No!" He hurls the table at me. I dodge so the table hits the wall and bounces into the center of the room from the force. The boy begins to growl and shriek off and on as he claws at me. His nails have suddenly become very sharp and to make matters worse, when I try to push him away, my hands go right through him. He can hurt me but I can't hurt him.

At one point, I manage to break free from him and start pounding on the door. "Let me out! I need help! He's completely uncontrollable!" He grabs me from behind, picks me up, and throws me head first into the opposite wall. Before I can get up, he is on top of me, punching and scratching me. My blood is all over the room by this point. I still can't touch him. I still can't hurt him.

Eventually, I hear an intercom buzz and then Sergeant Weber saying, "Hey, why aren't you controlling him? That doesn't look like control."

"I know! I'm trying! I can't get him to stop attacking me! I need back up!"

Then it's Sergeant Major Mao. "No, you have to do this on your own! If you don't control him, we'll all suffer!"

"I can't do this by myself! Please send someone in here to get him to stop attacking me!"

Captain Testarossa then says, "This should be easy for you. Why aren't you measuring up? Why can't you control him?"

"Captain! Please send in back up for me!"

Finally, it's Chidori. "Look, enough's enough! You clearly can't control him so we're just getting rid of both of you! I can't believe I ever had faith in you. What a waste."

"Chidori! Please, Chidori! Please, help me!" But no one uses the intercom after that and then the boy begins to strangle me.

He starts laughing and shouts, "I'm always going to be stronger than you! Nothing can destroy me, not even you!" He then lifts up my neck and throws my head into the floor to break my skull but I wake up before my skull makes contact with the floor.

5. After you wake from these dreams, how do you feel emotionally?

Highly distressed. It takes a few moments for me to calm myself down and remember that it was a dream.

6. Do you think these dreams affect your work performance? Explain.

Chidori has informed me that I act "stranger than usual" on days after I've had one of my dreams. However, I feel that I am still able to perform my duties without any problems.

Your evaluation is now complete. Thank you for your time. If there is anything we need to discuss, you'll hear from your superior officer shortly.

NOTES FROM HEAD PSYCHOLOGIST: I am very concerned about Sergeant Sagara's mental and emotional state. Although his entire evaluation shows signs of distress that were not seen during his last evaluation, I have included the section detailing the questions related to using Black Technology because it is the most revealing of a trend found throughout his evaluation. Previous studies of subjects who have had contact with Black Technology have revealed psychological distress manifesting itself first in dreams before subjects acted abnormally in real life. Sergeant Sagara's change in dreaming patterns and the subject of his dreams are definite warning signs similar to other Black Technology users who have later experienced psychological disorders. I noticed that Chidori Kaname's presence and role in the dreams is inappropriate given their current relationship: standing in as his dead mother, outranking his current superiors, apparently having the authority to evaluate his performance, and so on. I am concerned that Sergeant Sagara would betray Mithril if Chidori Kaname wished it.

RECOMMENDATIONS: Immediate removal of Sergeant Sagara from guarding Chidori Kaname. His primary responsibility should be testing the Arbalest. Being around Chidori Kaname seems to be causing Sergeant Sagara psychological distress since these problems were not present before his current assignment with Chidori Kaname began. By removing him from the unpleasant stimulus, his mental state should return to normal.

The End.


End file.
